Sunday, March 28, 2010

Why do we have to listen horrible things?

My life is so bad right now... I'm pretending everyday, every minute. It has only been a month, two weeks and two days since my baby left to heaven and it feels like it is happening everyday, every hour.
Yesterday I had to listen the most horrible things... The person said: "What are you doing these days? Just missing Mikaal?" "Life has to go on, you know" "Are you trying for another child?".
Very easy to say when you never lost a child. It really hurt to listen this things specially from someone who's meant to help you.  They expect me to have plans for the future but I don't want to do anything, for me is no more future. Mikaal was my present and future now he's gonne and I really feel I have nothing, I don't wanna have nothing, I don't deserve to be happy. He's gonne and took all my happiness with him.

Here is the only place I feel good and I feel I can be honest. I feel angry and sad with everything and everyone. I feel no one cares about my pain. 

Why everyone expects me to be ok??
Why do I have to pretend that nothing happen to me?
Why do I have to change my plans?
Why do I have to support everyone except myself?

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Finally not a bad day

Today the day was not so bad. It's the first day I didn't cry (since Mikaal left this world), ok atleast until now...
Me and my husband went to see Mikaal's grave and something amazing happen, it looked like his grave had so much light. I normally don't believe that this things can happen, maybe I'm getting crazy, I don't know. The only thing I know is I felt so happy there and I can't explain why! I guess my baby is watching over us...

***I love you so much gorgeous angel***

Monday, March 22, 2010

You were ment to be 6 months today

Hi my lovely and gorgeous son,
Today mommy is missing a lot, I always do but specially today...  You were suppose to be six months today but you are not here anymore. I'm sure you would be a big boy by now, you would be laughing like you used to. I never had a chance to make you a proper party, I didn't know you were going to heaven so fast... I wish I could have do more things with you, kissed and hugged you more. How I wish to have one more day with you to hold you in my arms and never let you go.
Mommy doesn't know what to do now...

I miss you today and forever more****



Saturday, March 20, 2010

Heaven was needing a hero

 This song makes me think of my baby hero! He was an amazing fighter. I should just be proud of my little angel!
I miss him so much, he was my everything. Without him I feel lost, incomplete, hopeless even faithless.... I don't understand why GOD takes a baby so soon. I know HE was the one who gave me Mikaal but what was the point to give and take away. I still didn't get to a point that I can accept what happen. Sometimes my heart is full of anger. It's hard to admit but I'm jealous of the mums who have healthy babies. I'm angry because I know so many parents don't want the babies and they have healthy babies and me who wanted my baby so badly I lost him so soon.
Why??? This is not fair, is it?? Maybe I was not good enough I don't know... I don't understand...

"When I try to make it make sense in my mind the only conclusion I come to is that Heaven was needing a hero like you"

Friday, March 19, 2010

What a day....

Today I just had a massage  and it was supposed to be very relaxing but when I closed my eyes the only thing I could think of was my baby and for that little time in the spa I just remembered Mikaal last moments. Did I relax?? no! The lady was just rubbing my back, leggs and feet and the only thing I could think of was Mikaal. I spent all the time trying to control myself, I didn't want to leave the spa crying...
Is it always going to be like that? I walk on the street and see babies and get angry, I don't understand why... I get jealous of every baby I see...
Oh God please give me some peace and strenght to go on...

Sunday, March 14, 2010

I don't know when I'll be ready...

I'm here feeling so lost and wondering when I'll be ready to write something on my blog again...
It's been 1 month and 2 days since my adorable son left this world. I can't understand why and I feel so lost! He was my everything, I dream about him everyday, I cry everyday... Only if you have been trough this you can imagine how hard  it is.
I can't really cry with my family because I think then I'll be more sad and I don't feel my mom is strong enough to help me now! I can't loose her aswell. My sis lost her husband I can't make her more sad. It's just not fair on them.
My husband is suffering so much and he only cries with me so it makes even harder. I have to be strong for them but it's hard.
I lost my only son why can't I cry? why can't I just give up of everything and just go aswell? The only thing I want is to be with Mikaal again. Sometimes it feels like forever, I wanna see him now.
Yesterday on the way to the graveyard I saw Mikaal smiling, was not the same smile it was better, bigger and happier so I had a very good day yesterday but today I'm missing him so much.
What if today is as good as it gets???

Mikaal's story by Everylifehasastory Thanks Malory

Video made @