Sunday, March 28, 2010

Why do we have to listen horrible things?

My life is so bad right now... I'm pretending everyday, every minute. It has only been a month, two weeks and two days since my baby left to heaven and it feels like it is happening everyday, every hour.
Yesterday I had to listen the most horrible things... The person said: "What are you doing these days? Just missing Mikaal?" "Life has to go on, you know" "Are you trying for another child?".
Very easy to say when you never lost a child. It really hurt to listen this things specially from someone who's meant to help you.  They expect me to have plans for the future but I don't want to do anything, for me is no more future. Mikaal was my present and future now he's gonne and I really feel I have nothing, I don't wanna have nothing, I don't deserve to be happy. He's gonne and took all my happiness with him.

Here is the only place I feel good and I feel I can be honest. I feel angry and sad with everything and everyone. I feel no one cares about my pain. 


Why everyone expects me to be ok??
Why do I have to pretend that nothing happen to me?
Why do I have to change my plans?
Why do I have to support everyone except myself?
Why?
Why?

3 comments:

  1. I am so sorry about your MIkaal. The pictures of him are breathtaking--such a beautiful baby boy. I know how you are feeling. Every bit of it. I ache for my baby boy. Chase would be 1 on April 14th. I still hurt so much. Learning how to go on is so painful and so necessary. I wish you peace and love.
    Christy

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  2. You don't have to pretend. Mikaal may have been taken from you but no one can take your pain from you. No one can take the grief & mourning you are entitled to. You will learn how to think of the future & how to live without Mikaal but when you are ready & on your time. I am glad you have found a home here & I hope you find some comfort in healing here in our community. Much Love Marta.

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  3. Hi, I have just seen the vid from 'Every Life' and I wanted to come over and tell you what a beautiful little boy you have. Mikaal was VERY cute!
    I am so sorry that you dont have your little man with you. Life is so unfair sometimes.
    I just want you to know that you have every right to be angry at the world. Nearly 4 years on I still have crap days where I just cant stand not having my little boy with me but the crappy days do get less, I promise. For now though you just wont be able to see past all the darkness.
    Below is a poem I have on my fridge. Everyone seems to stand and read it when they come to our house. I think it makes them think before they speak.

    Huge hugs to you and your family.
    xxx

    THE GRIEVING PARENT
    PLEASE - don't ask me if I'm over it yet. I'll never be "over it."

    PLEASE - don't tell me he’s in a better place. HE isn't here.

    PLEASE - don't say "at least he isn't suffering". I haven't come to terms with why he had to suffer at all.

    PLEASE - don't say "well, you're lucky...he would have been born with a lot of problems." Would you love your own child any less if they had been born with problems?

    PLEASE - don't tell me you know how I feel unless you have lost a child.

    PLEASE - don't tell me to get on with my life. I'm still here, you'll notice.

    PLEASE - don't ask me if I feel better. Bereavement isn't a condition that "clears up."

    PLEASE - don't tell me that "God never makes a mistake" or it was God's will." You mean he did this on purpose?

    PLEASE - don't tell me "at least you had him for 3 days. Or, "at least you know you can get pregnant. "What year would you choose for your son to die?

    PLEASE - don't tell me God never gives you more than you can bear. Who decides how much another person can bear?

    PLEASE - Just say you are sorry.

    PLEASE - Just say you remember him and our excitement if you do.

    PLEASE - Just let me talk if I want to.

    PLEA PLEASE - Just let me say his name without turning away or changing the subject.

    PLEASE - let me cry when I must.

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Mikaal's story by Everylifehasastory Thanks Malory

Video made @ http://everylifehasastory-home.blogspot.com/