Sunday, March 28, 2010

Why do we have to listen horrible things?

My life is so bad right now... I'm pretending everyday, every minute. It has only been a month, two weeks and two days since my baby left to heaven and it feels like it is happening everyday, every hour.
Yesterday I had to listen the most horrible things... The person said: "What are you doing these days? Just missing Mikaal?" "Life has to go on, you know" "Are you trying for another child?".
Very easy to say when you never lost a child. It really hurt to listen this things specially from someone who's meant to help you.  They expect me to have plans for the future but I don't want to do anything, for me is no more future. Mikaal was my present and future now he's gonne and I really feel I have nothing, I don't wanna have nothing, I don't deserve to be happy. He's gonne and took all my happiness with him.

Here is the only place I feel good and I feel I can be honest. I feel angry and sad with everything and everyone. I feel no one cares about my pain. 

Why everyone expects me to be ok??
Why do I have to pretend that nothing happen to me?
Why do I have to change my plans?
Why do I have to support everyone except myself?


  1. I am so sorry about your MIkaal. The pictures of him are breathtaking--such a beautiful baby boy. I know how you are feeling. Every bit of it. I ache for my baby boy. Chase would be 1 on April 14th. I still hurt so much. Learning how to go on is so painful and so necessary. I wish you peace and love.

  2. You don't have to pretend. Mikaal may have been taken from you but no one can take your pain from you. No one can take the grief & mourning you are entitled to. You will learn how to think of the future & how to live without Mikaal but when you are ready & on your time. I am glad you have found a home here & I hope you find some comfort in healing here in our community. Much Love Marta.

  3. Hi, I have just seen the vid from 'Every Life' and I wanted to come over and tell you what a beautiful little boy you have. Mikaal was VERY cute!
    I am so sorry that you dont have your little man with you. Life is so unfair sometimes.
    I just want you to know that you have every right to be angry at the world. Nearly 4 years on I still have crap days where I just cant stand not having my little boy with me but the crappy days do get less, I promise. For now though you just wont be able to see past all the darkness.
    Below is a poem I have on my fridge. Everyone seems to stand and read it when they come to our house. I think it makes them think before they speak.

    Huge hugs to you and your family.

    PLEASE - don't ask me if I'm over it yet. I'll never be "over it."

    PLEASE - don't tell me he’s in a better place. HE isn't here.

    PLEASE - don't say "at least he isn't suffering". I haven't come to terms with why he had to suffer at all.

    PLEASE - don't say "well, you're lucky...he would have been born with a lot of problems." Would you love your own child any less if they had been born with problems?

    PLEASE - don't tell me you know how I feel unless you have lost a child.

    PLEASE - don't tell me to get on with my life. I'm still here, you'll notice.

    PLEASE - don't ask me if I feel better. Bereavement isn't a condition that "clears up."

    PLEASE - don't tell me that "God never makes a mistake" or it was God's will." You mean he did this on purpose?

    PLEASE - don't tell me "at least you had him for 3 days. Or, "at least you know you can get pregnant. "What year would you choose for your son to die?

    PLEASE - don't tell me God never gives you more than you can bear. Who decides how much another person can bear?

    PLEASE - Just say you are sorry.

    PLEASE - Just say you remember him and our excitement if you do.

    PLEASE - Just let me talk if I want to.

    PLEA PLEASE - Just let me say his name without turning away or changing the subject.

    PLEASE - let me cry when I must.


Mikaal's story by Everylifehasastory Thanks Malory

Video made @