If you were here you would be 7months old!

I didn't post anything yesterday but it was a sad day!
Instead of choosing new clothes,  a cake or toys to celebrate Mikaal's 7th month, yesterday I was choosing a stone for his grave and some flowers!
Missing you a lot my angel! Can you come and give me a kiss? I just need you my little baby*

Happy 7th month baby boy!

Weddings, family reunions, isn't it supposed to be a haapy time!

This weekend was my brother's wedding and everything was going ok and I was having a good time. But when I see other babies my heart breaks. I spent most of the time trying to control my tears. My brother does understand so that is good! But then still had to listen the most horrible things from my "family" (they never met Mikaal, they did not call to say congrats you had a baby, they did not call saying sorry you lost your son). They just said your are young and can't be stuck because of this thing. You'll have more kids so YOU HAVE TO MOVE ON! I'm hurt because they say things like Mikaal was nothing... and Mikaal was, is and always will be my everything!

This poem someone posted on facebook it's just me now...

Written so perfectly

You dont know how I feel , please don't tell me that you do.
There is just one way to know----Have you lost a child too?
"You'll have another child"--Must I hear this everyday?
Can I get another Mother too, if mine should pass away?

Don't say it was God's will-----that's not the God I know
Would God, on purpose, break my heart then watch as my tears flow?
"you have a angel in heaven, a child up above"
But tell me, whom on earth should I give this love?

"Arent you better yet?" Is that what I heard you say?
NO! A part of my heart still aches and I'll always feel some pain
You think that silence is kind but it hurts even more.
I want to talk about my child that has gone through death's door.

Don't say these things to me, although you mean well.
They do not take the pain away, I must go through this hell.
I will get better, slow but sure and it helps to have you near
But a simple " I am sorry you lost your child" is all I need to hear.



After that we got a letter from the hospital. Very nice, they still remember Mikaal! I'll post it here another day!

It has been 2 months

Mikas my gorgeous I wonder what are you doing now...
It's been 2 months since you went to heaven and mommy is missing you a lot my cutie. I wish I could hug, kiss and hold you again...
If you were here I'm sure you'll look more like your father... you would be a big baby now! I guess you would be eating already...
I just wish you were here!!
Come and give me a kiss today so I won't feel so sad ok?
I've always loved you, I love you and I always will....

  Missing you my angel

How to move on...

I don't know nothing about my feelings anymore...
Sometimes I feel I can't be with my husband anymore but I know I love him and he loves me but since our son left this world is just hard being around him...
Sometimes I want to make lots of plans, study again, start work, travel... but other days I just wanna be left alone and do nothing...
Sometimes I wanna travel somewhere but then I feel is not right, it feels like I'll leave my son behind (I know he's not here only his grave is)...
Sometimes I wanna be happy for other people who have kids but it feels like impossible, I feel angry, I feels jealous of them...
Sometimes I just wanna be pregnant again but it doesn't feel right... it feels like I want to forget Mikaal with another baby...
Sometimes I just want to be "normal" and don't feel this pain anymore but I can't...
Sometimes I just wish I could die but I have to wait for my time(to get a chance to see Mikaal in heaven)
Sometimes I wish I could have a little happy day but it doesn't seem possible...

But everytime I only wish my son was here again with me...



It's getting harder everyday!

THE GRIEVING PARENT

PLEASE - don't ask me if I'm over it yet. I'll never be "over it."

PLEASE - don't tell me he’s in a better place. HE isn't here.

PLEASE - don't say "at least he isn't suffering". I haven't come to terms with why he had to suffer at all.

PLEASE - don't say "well, you're lucky...he would have been born with a lot of problems." Would you love your own child any less if they had been born with problems?

PLEASE - don't tell me you know how I feel unless you have lost a child.

PLEASE - don't tell me to get on with my life. I'm still here, you'll notice.

PLEASE - don't ask me if I feel better. Bereavement isn't a condition that "clears up."

PLEASE - don't tell me that "God never makes a mistake" or it was God's will." You mean he did this on purpose?

PLEASE - don't tell me "at least you had him for 3 days. Or, "at least you know you can get pregnant. "What year would you choose for your son to die?

PLEASE - don't tell me God never gives you more than you can bear. Who decides how much another person can bear?

PLEASE - Just say you are sorry.

PLEASE - Just say you remember him and our excitement if you do.

PLEASE - Just let me talk if I want to.

PLEA PLEASE - Just let me say his name without turning away or changing the subject.

PLEASE - let me cry when I must.

Why do we have to listen horrible things?

My life is so bad right now... I'm pretending everyday, every minute. It has only been a month, two weeks and two days since my baby left to heaven and it feels like it is happening everyday, every hour.
Yesterday I had to listen the most horrible things... The person said: "What are you doing these days? Just missing Mikaal?" "Life has to go on, you know" "Are you trying for another child?".
Very easy to say when you never lost a child. It really hurt to listen this things specially from someone who's meant to help you.  They expect me to have plans for the future but I don't want to do anything, for me is no more future. Mikaal was my present and future now he's gonne and I really feel I have nothing, I don't wanna have nothing, I don't deserve to be happy. He's gonne and took all my happiness with him.

Here is the only place I feel good and I feel I can be honest. I feel angry and sad with everything and everyone. I feel no one cares about my pain. 


Why everyone expects me to be ok??
Why do I have to pretend that nothing happen to me?
Why do I have to change my plans?
Why do I have to support everyone except myself?
Why?
Why?

Finally not a bad day

Today the day was not so bad. It's the first day I didn't cry (since Mikaal left this world), ok atleast until now...
Me and my husband went to see Mikaal's grave and something amazing happen, it looked like his grave had so much light. I normally don't believe that this things can happen, maybe I'm getting crazy, I don't know. The only thing I know is I felt so happy there and I can't explain why! I guess my baby is watching over us...


***I love you so much gorgeous angel***

You were ment to be 6 months today

Hi my lovely and gorgeous son,
Today mommy is missing a lot, I always do but specially today...  You were suppose to be six months today but you are not here anymore. I'm sure you would be a big boy by now, you would be laughing like you used to. I never had a chance to make you a proper party, I didn't know you were going to heaven so fast... I wish I could have do more things with you, kissed and hugged you more. How I wish to have one more day with you to hold you in my arms and never let you go.
Mommy doesn't know what to do now...

I miss you today and forever more****

LOve

*mommy*

Heaven was needing a hero

 This song makes me think of my baby hero! He was an amazing fighter. I should just be proud of my little angel!
I miss him so much, he was my everything. Without him I feel lost, incomplete, hopeless even faithless.... I don't understand why GOD takes a baby so soon. I know HE was the one who gave me Mikaal but what was the point to give and take away. I still didn't get to a point that I can accept what happen. Sometimes my heart is full of anger. It's hard to admit but I'm jealous of the mums who have healthy babies. I'm angry because I know so many parents don't want the babies and they have healthy babies and me who wanted my baby so badly I lost him so soon.
Why??? This is not fair, is it?? Maybe I was not good enough I don't know... I don't understand...

"When I try to make it make sense in my mind the only conclusion I come to is that Heaven was needing a hero like you"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kPaBAqiQU_4&feature=related

What a day....

Today I just had a massage  and it was supposed to be very relaxing but when I closed my eyes the only thing I could think of was my baby and for that little time in the spa I just remembered Mikaal last moments. Did I relax?? no! The lady was just rubbing my back, leggs and feet and the only thing I could think of was Mikaal. I spent all the time trying to control myself, I didn't want to leave the spa crying...
Is it always going to be like that? I walk on the street and see babies and get angry, I don't understand why... I get jealous of every baby I see...
Oh God please give me some peace and strenght to go on...

I don't know when I'll be ready...

I'm here feeling so lost and wondering when I'll be ready to write something on my blog again...
It's been 1 month and 2 days since my adorable son left this world. I can't understand why and I feel so lost! He was my everything, I dream about him everyday, I cry everyday... Only if you have been trough this you can imagine how hard  it is.
I can't really cry with my family because I think then I'll be more sad and I don't feel my mom is strong enough to help me now! I can't loose her aswell. My sis lost her husband I can't make her more sad. It's just not fair on them.
My husband is suffering so much and he only cries with me so it makes even harder. I have to be strong for them but it's hard.
I lost my only son why can't I cry? why can't I just give up of everything and just go aswell? The only thing I want is to be with Mikaal again. Sometimes it feels like forever, I wanna see him now.
Yesterday on the way to the graveyard I saw Mikaal smiling, was not the same smile it was better, bigger and happier so I had a very good day yesterday but today I'm missing him so much.
What if today is as good as it gets???

This nasheed gives some confort to the heart...

I Remember your smile....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GVLxPiOpq8I

Mikaal is in heaven

he's down again

MILAGRE

A palavra milagre significa muito mais do que cada um pode imaginar até vivê-lo. Ontem o Mikaal piorou outra vez e desta vez as saturações dele andaram pelos 55 e os médicos não conseguiam melhorá-las. Eles ligaram-lhe ao ventilador de alta frequencia e puseram oxido nitrico e assim ele piorou... Ficaram assim por duas horas e o Mikaal não recuperava. O médico disse ao meu marido para me ligar pois já não havia mais nada para fazer pelo Mikaal. O pai do Mikaal decidiu que não haveria de me ligar pois acreditou que o nosso bebé ia recuperar. O médico decidiu então mudá-lo para o ventilador convencional pois já não havia nada a fazer. Assim que mudaram ele recuperou e as saturações subiram para os 90. É incrivel mas é verdade... O médico perguntou ao meu marido o que se estava a passar e provavelmente ele disse no seu coração que ALLAH É muito maior e melhor do que qualquer médico. Eles acreditam que isto foi mais uma crise de hipertensão pulmonar e que os pulmões dele estão a sangrar por dentro. Nós não desistimos e nunca vamos desistir desta luta pela recuperação do Mikaal. Peço a todos que orem e mandem todos os vossos pensamentos positivos e orações pela recuperação do nosso lindo filho.

The word MIRACLE means so much more

When we think his condition can't get worst it does. Mikaal had a bad night last night. His blood pressure dropped and his saturations were down to 55. The doctor change to the high frequency ventilator and put another machine that gives him nitric oxide trough the ventilator and he became worst. They waited two hours and then the doctor ask my husband to call me because was no more hope for Mikaal and this was it. My husband never give up and he said is no need to call me because Mikaal will recover. The doctor change him to the convencional ventilator because was nothingelse to do and his saturations went to 90's, the doctor could not believe it. He ask my husband what's happening... and I know Mikaal's father said to his heart: ALLAH Is so much bigger and better than any doctor. After several hours of this rollercoster, he finally recovered. They believe it was pulmonary hypertension and his lungs are bleeding inside. His heart also got a bit worst. Please send out your thoughts and prayers that he'll recover fast and come home soon.

ups and downs - altos e baixos

so... they change the ventilator on thursday and he was doing really well with a new tecnology (that is the perfect combination betwen the baby and the ventilator) which allows Mikaal to breath by himself sometimes. His infection levels were going down until saturday when Mikaal went very down, again! his blood presure was very low and the doctors didn't know what else to do. But ALLAH Is always there and finally he recover but yesterday he got bad again and blood presure was very low again(lower than saturday) and they thought to change to the big ventilator again. All this situation is very bad and we are feeling worst. All the prayers and thoughts needed!!! | Os médicos mudaram o ventilador do Mikaal na quinta feira e tudo correu bem. O Mikaal adaptou-se muito bem a um novo modo de ventilação(que é a "perfeita" combinação entre o homem e a máquina) que permite que ele respire algumas vezes sozinho com a ajuda do ventilador. Os níveis de infecção estavam a baixar até sábado quando ele piorou bastante, a tensão arterial baixou estupidamente e os médicos disseram que já não sabiam o que fazer mais. Pois os médicos não sabiam mas ALLAH sabia e ele recuperou. Mas ontem piorou muito e a tensão arterial dele ainda foi mais abaixo do que no sábado. Desta vez até o coração dele, que até agora estava bem, piorou! Os médicos disseram que o iam passar para o outro ventilador outra vez. Esta situação está cada vez mais insustentável para mim pois nem posso partilhar estes maus momentos com a família pois não quero que eles sofram pois assim vou ter mais problemas e tristezas. Precisamos de todas as orações para estes maus dias...

Novidades sobre o estado do Mikaal

Depois de 4 dias num ventilador de alta frequência*(usado para casos mais graves), os médicos decidiram que amanhã de manhã se tudo estivesse bem iriam passá-lo para um ventilador convencional o que já é uma grande victória. Continuamos a precisar de todas as orações e pensamentos positivos para que amanhã tudo corra bem! After 4 long days with High Frequency Oscillatory Ventilator*(characterized by high respiratory rates up to 900 breaths per minute) the doctors decided to change to conventional ventilator. For us is a step forward and he will be able to breath by himself sometimes. We need all the prayers and thoughts for tomorrow morning. *High frequency ventilation is thought to reduce ventilator-associated lung injury. This is commonly referred to as lung protective ventilation.

Primeiro dia do ano

Melhor momento do Mikaal foi no primeiro dia de 2010 que se portou muito bem e divertiu-nos imenso.

I've to write in english sometimes... Mikaal was born on September 22nd at 3:10. He was 3,565kg! They took him right away to get all kinds of tests done. I didn't even get to hold him until he was 1/2 weeks old! He had a heart surgery on September 25th and it went well. After the surgery it's been a authentic rollercoaster, full of ups and downs. He was at home for 1 month and 1 week since he was born. We are very grateful for that month, it was the best month ever! He's such a good baby and really light up the house with is beautiful smile. We have to take him to the hospital everytime because his heart gets worst very fast and the doctors can't find any reason for that to happen. Christmas was a very bad day for us and I can't forget when doctors said to us he won't survive, it was really hard for us but my husband always believed everything will be ok. After one week he was at home but only for 7 days and we rushed back to the hospital. He got intubated in the same day (January 7th), it was very hard to see him with that tube again and seeing all the machines around him once more. It was another huge step backwards. He got extubated (breathing tube out) on January 22nd the day he became 4 months old. He was doing well without the ventilator but his lungs got worst so he needed to be intubated again last saturday(January 30th). This time was even harder because he started to smile like before and now he has the ventilator again. My miracle boy amazes me everyday, the doctors even say he's very strong and wants to survive. So many miracles happen everytime. And when I feel my hope is gone ALLAH Gives us another miracle. P.S. I have just been insanely busy these last 4 months, that's why I could not give any news to all of my friends but now I felt the need to tell his story for all of you who are praying for him since his born. In this website you can find a few pictures of our miracle baby! It's one picture after the surgery where he has the ventilator, the others are just the best moments.

depois da operação...

Antes da operação ele estava bem gordinho e tinha umas bochechas que nunca mais recuperou... Esta foto é um dia depois da operação quando nós até achamos que ele parecia bem e não ia chocar tanto.

O dia da operação

No dia 25 de Setembro disseram-nos para chegar ao hospital por volta das 7 horas da manhã pois iam operá-lo a essa hora! Mal dormi em casa e chegamos ao hospital e podemos partilhar momentos muito felizes e muito emocionantes com o nosso bebé. Finalmente podemos conhecer um pouco mais do nosso "amor", por volta da hora de almoço e depois de uma manhã cheia de incertezas e ansiedade, levaram-no para o bloco operatório! O nosso bebé foi para o bloco com um sorriso na cara e super descontraido. Não consigo esquecer aquela imagem a levarem a pequena ecobadora dele embora. As horas seguintes passámos a chorar e a rezar no carro. Não sei quantas horas passaram pois para mim o tempo parou naquele momento em que o levaram. Demorou imenso e só no final da tarde ele voltou do bloco, a operação tinha corrido bem! Pois nós já sabíamos que ele tinha que voltar ligado ao ventilador mas ver aqueles tubos e fios todos e aquelas máquinas é demasiado assustador para descrever.

Início da batalha...

Em Janeiro de 2009 comecei a sentir-me muito cansada e passado umas semanas decidi fazer um teste que confirmou a minha gravidez. Bom foi uma grande surpresa para mim e para o meu marido pois não foi nada planeado. Depois da surpresa, a emoção e alegria de ser pais, pela primeira vez, invadiu toda a família. A minha gravidez foi bastante boa e tudo corria bem até fazer a minha terceira ecografia (por volta das 28 semanas)... a médica demorou imenso tempo e até chamou o colega para verem bem o coração do bebé. Ambos disseram que o nosso bebé tinha um problema no coração e de imediato marcaram um ecocardiograma para a mesma semana com o cardiologista pediátrico. Foi um grande choque para nós mas sempre pensámos que se tinham enganado e no dia seguinte saberíamos mesmo o que se passava com o coração nosso bebé. O cardiologista pediátrico fez o exame mas não o levou muito a sério e disse apenas que o bebé teria que ser visto por um cardiologista pediátrico quando nascesse o que nos descansou um pouco. Mas mesmo assim a médica que me seguia achou que não era suficiente e sugeriu que fossemos a mais um cardiologista pediátrico. Nessa mesma semana fomos e ele confirmou que bebé tinha uma cardiopatia congénita mas não tão grave como nos tinham diagnosticado no inicio. Ele disse que a cardiopatia que ele tinham poderia ser corrigida com medicação ou com operação depois de ele nascer. Ele tinha síndroma de coartação da aorta (um aperto na aorta). Bem foram umas semanas de incerteza até o Mikaal nascer. Ele nasceu a 22 de Setembro de 2009, de parto normal (o que normalmente não acontece com meninos cardíacos), não chorou mas assim que respirou pela primeira vez fê-lo com muita força:) Não pude segura-lo quando nasceu, praticamente não o vi (apenas tive direito a "3 beijinhos rápidos") pois levaram-no para a neonatologia. Enfim quando me levaram para um quarto com outras mães com os seus bebés a única coisa que eu tinha do meu era uma fotografia. Desci 3 andares do hospital para vê-lo passadas 5 horas depois dele nascer. O meu marido acompanhou-me pois ele já tinha estado algum tempo com o Mikaal e eu não sabia bem como ele era e onde ele estava. Ao vê-lo dentro da ecobadora com "tantos" fios chorei de emoção e de medo. Ele é lindo, gordinho e aquele segundo olhar que partilhámos através do vidro da ecobadora foi muito emocionante. O Mikaal estava bem mas cansava-se rápido e começava a respirar muito rápido, durante os dois dias que ambos tivemos no hospital eu ia visitá-lo constantemente. No segundo dia acordaram-me às sete horas da manhã a dizer que a cardiologista pediátria queria falar comigo, o meu coração parou por momentos e foi com muito medo que me dirigi para a neonatologia. Ela disse que nesse mesmo dia ele iria ser transferido para um hospital especialista em cardiopatias pois ele estava bastante cansado. Vi ele a ir com o INEM e eu nem podia acompanha-lo pois ainda estava internada. Eles iam operá-lo no mesmo dia mas assim não aconteceu e no dia seguinte á hora de almoço levaram o Mikaal para o bloco operatório...